I love you

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You are probably wondering who this blog will be about? Hmm. I want to start by saying it again. I love you.

Why do I love you? I love you because you have always been with me. I love you Guady G and the G stands for Great or Gorgeous. It has taken me 50 years to realize how freaking awesome I am. Have I become boastful? Do I have an inflated ego? No and no. I  finally realized that I don’t need external validation to make me feel loved or beautiful. I really love myself. Do you love yourself?

It wasn’t always this way for me. Growing up as a shy individual and being smart were a perfect combination to be prey for a bully.   Each time I was picked on it hurt and I internalized it. I believed it.  I was once told by a girl at age 9 that I should become a nun because only God would love me. She said I was too ugly for anyone else to love me.  I cried every night before I went to bed praying for a different face, asking the Gods to make me dumber so that I could be liked. I just wanted a friend and someone to love me.

The teacher would make me stand in front of the classroom and state “Guadalupe got another A and I’m proud of her”.  I felt all the sneers and I just wish I had the guts back then to tell her to please stop. School was a nightmare for me but my home was nice. My mother’s arms my haven. She would tell me I was beautiful and she loved me.  I was happy at home but school was another thing.

I was content when I graduated from grammar school. High School would be different I thought but it wasn’t . Less bullying but still no boys liking me until I met Ricky Lopez in the 9th grade.  He said I was beautiful, sweet and nice. I was confused he would say these things to me because he was blind. He couldn’t see me! How could he know anything? I thanked him but on a deeper level I didn’t believe him.

For my senior prom I went with my friend -a girl.  Ray my classmate said we would go together and it was only a practical joke. Not funny but painful.  Why didn’t he think I was pretty? That girl in grammer school was right–I should become a nun.  Thank God I didn’t because I love the male gender.

These are just a few stories of my evolving to where I am now. Something started to click in my mid thirties. Perhaps all those self-help books and free therapy sessions from my eldest sister were finally sinking in.  It has been a journey but I finally understand what Ricky told me back then. I understand it fully at age 50. Took a long time but I’m here.

It’s about my essence and it’s about true love. Love should not be based on someone’s face, the size of their wallet or the external validation they are giving you. Its about their essence. Love their true essence and they are beautiful just like I was to Ricky.  It’s about your essence so love yourself.

Put downs, bullying, and sneers no longer work on me. They are just words without any significance to me today.

Signing off Guady G

Hugs from Brooklyn

 

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