Category: Journey

Stay or Go?

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Standing at the door not knowing whether to stay or go.  I loved you once but now I just don’t know.  Sometimes I want to walk out but I stop and think of all we’ve been through. The laughter echoes while tears fall upon my face.  I can’t shake the pain. Now there’s only disdain.

Should I assuage myself by pretending it never occurred?  Could I remain at bay when your gusts of inconsistencies bludgeoned my hull and my rudders?  I’m so lost I shudder.

Yet here I stand with each foot juxtaposed before the door.  I long for peace and happiness that comes from being apart.  I’m frightened to go and frightened to stay.  Is it possible any other way? Is it?

When I’m in a slumber I dream of running outside and bursting into laughter. That would bring me great joy.  Do I dare do it? Is this a game? Am I the toy? What to employ?

I realize I must make a choice to leave or stay.   This causes such dismay!  I have been yelling for you to go but it is I that must decide. The more I knew you the less I knew myself!  My soul has left and I must follow.

Hugs from Brooklyn
Guady G

I am happy to state that my divorce was amicable. I love his new wife and son. My ex-mother-in-law never stopped loving me. We always kept in contact and despite having advanced Alzheimers she would sometimes share lucid moments with me. She recently passed on and I miss her. My ex-father in law always would call to check on me. He was such a funny guy and he passed on various years before his wife. I will write a blog just about them in the future.

Key message is be happy.

All In My Head

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I haven’t been the same, since you uttered my name and now I’m going insane.  It was those words that you said.

I love you I surely do but now you left and I’m without a clue. What will I do?
Was it all in my head?

You never loved me! It was a fantasy!  Now there are tears being shed. Was it all in my head?

I still miss your lips kissing me so…
And your arms caressing me till I yelled let me go…

The highlight of my day was being with you every night.
And then you left and it wasn’t right! I cry. Was it all in my head?

Why dd you always stay through the night? Why did you always hold me so tight? Why did your eyes tell mine that you weren’t going anywhere and that we had a life to share?

I shout out that my witness is my bed but now there are just tears to be shed cause I know it was all in my head.

I actually wrote this to be lyrics for a song. What do you think? How many of us meet others that seem to just get us? We make instant bonds with them only to wake up one day and realize they have left us. I used to think there was something wrong with me but today I know that when others leave it might just mean they don’t feel worthy of the love I give them.

I know my positive attributes and what I need to work on. Sadly others just walk in a semi-comatose state, barely feeling anything and only going through motions and the minute they make a true connection they sever ties to it. They rather lose the connection early on to avoid losing the connection later on. They are lonely and look to connect but fear it at the same time. Ever wonder why some people leave their spouses when their spouses get a serious illness like cancer? Makes you think. Right? I don’t regret loving others even if at times it wasn’t returned. To quote Alfred Lord Tennyson’s poem In Memoriam:27, 1850— It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Do you agree? Why or why not?

Sincerely,

Guady G
Hugs from Brooklyn

All My Beauty

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image
Listen………..!   I am no longer that caterpillar which most called ugly for now I am a beautiful butterfly!  I no longer need or want to stay within the confines of my old cocoon.  I’m not ashamed of what I once was for I have gone through my metamorphosis.

It’s still me you see except my pains and my sorrows have not broken me! Every tear I have shed has served to remind me of what I had forgotten.  I know now that I have always had these beautiful wings deeply secured within me. Today I can spread my wings out and I can fly.

Many dazzle at the beauty of my colors but you choose to see me only as an ugly caterpillar.  You are ashamed of my feelers and you join others in believing that I am nothing but a mere creepy crawling insect but I am not. Do you hear me?  I am not and actually I never was.

You can go ahead and run away from me for all I care.  You have no idea of the treasures I have hidden within the corners of my old cocoon.  And now you shall never know!! Take heed and take notice of my written words.

I am a beautiful butterfly and I can fly!!
Go ahead! Let out a sigh!

Hugs from Brooklyn,
Guady G

This entry is for those that forget how beautiful they are. You are beautiful and wonderful even if others don’t see it that way.  Love yourself!   Take care of yourself!  Keep shining because self love is not conceit if it comes from truly knowing and appreciating yourself with all your facets. Yes you are a gem!!

Moving on

GuadyG6 Comments
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If I say I don’t ever think of you I would be lying for many nights I did spend crying.

Remember when you walked out that door and said you didn’t love me anymore?

Well it’s okay because it allowed me find true love in my darkest hour.  I found someone more beautiful, more kind and smarter.

In your trivial mind I bet you can’t fathom the idea that I have moved on.  But I did and now every minute is splendid.

It took me a long time but I did it somehow.  I no longer live for you!  I live for me now!

In my life a number of men have walked away from the love I offered them. When younger I was always left feeling empty inside. It was as if their love validated me being lovable.  As a child I was bullied at school and was even told that only God would ever love me.  As a teen I was unibrowed and gawky,  my only boyfriend was blind and forget my prom nightmare (more details in a future blog).

In college I was very popular and every cute guy knew me but sadly I was just one of the guys to most of them so you could imagine my frustration.  I got married and then divorced.  All of this was just a cocktail for my growing lack of self-love.

I have been on a journey and it wasn’t until after my divorce at age 31 that I realized I didn’t need external validation.  Heck now I no longer need someone else to love me because I love myself plenty.  I am worthy of great things and so are you.  Yes you!

Sometimes a breakup can take a toll on a person’s self-worth but remember you are awesome with or without a partner because you matter.  Never forget that!  Work on yourself and learn to truly love yourself.  Once you do, you will no longer accept imitations of love especially cheap ones.  You will already know true love and that is the one you find within yourself.

Signing off
Guady G
Hugs from Brooklyn