If only I could tell you what I’ve been through. It’s been difficult not sharing all that makes me happy with you. Sometimes late at night when I turn to my side I’m shaken with fright. You used to be there to keep me safe. You were my home and now I just wander. I just roam!
Standing at the door not knowing whether to stay or go. I loved you once but now I just don’t know. Sometimes I want to walk out but I stop and think of all we’ve been through. The laughter echoes while tears fall upon my face. I can’t shake the pain. Now there’s only disdain.
Should I assuage myself by pretending it never occurred? Could I remain at bay when your gusts of inconsistencies bludgeoned my hull and my rudders? I’m so lost I shudder.
Yet here I stand with each foot juxtaposed before the door. I long for peace and happiness that comes from being apart. I’m frightened to go and frightened to stay. Is it possible any other way? Is it?
When I’m in a slumber I dream of running outside and bursting into laughter. That would bring me great joy. Do I dare do it? Is this a game? Am I the toy? What to employ?
I realize I must make a choice to leave or stay. This causes such dismay! I have been yelling for you to go but it is I that must decide. The more I knew you the less I knew myself! My soul has left and I must follow.
Hugs from Brooklyn
I am happy to state that my divorce was amicable. I love his new wife and son. My ex-mother-in-law never stopped loving me. We always kept in contact and despite having advanced Alzheimers she would sometimes share lucid moments with me. She recently passed on and I miss her. My ex-father in law always would call to check on me. He was such a funny guy and he passed on various years before his wife. I will write a blog just about them in the future.
I stare at the photos and I wonder. Where did it all go wrong? I think I was too young. I was only 26 years old. Chronologically I was old enough but mentally and emotionally I was still immature.
I wanted you to love me so I could feel worthy of being loved. I wanted you to nourish me so I could satiate my deep longing for approval and acceptance. I said yes to becoming your wife. Was I even worthy of being asked? I always wondered.
I tried to be the good wife. I was dutiful, I cleaned often, shopped for groceries and I shared a bed with you night after night.
As you held me tight I wondered if you wished it had been someone else. I wasn’t pretty enough or in good shape. I blamed you for feeling inadequate until the day came and our union seemed to be on the road to dissolution. I made vows with God as my witness and just 5 yrs later I was turning my back on them.
I felt like such a failure. You moved out and finally also moved on. I was just there being idle still feeling sorry for myself. I was still pointing fingers at others for my own devised misery.
Then one day I truly prayed. I realized I always asked for things to miraculously change in my life although I never did a thing to help them change. This time I asked for guidance and strength. I needed to learn to be in my own company and to love it.
After much crying I woke up. I started truly loving myself. I dealt with my ugly past and recognized what kept triggering me to feel unworthy of being loved.
I now travel on this journey learning daily about myself. My marriage ended but it helped me grow and it gave me a beautiful daughter. My past whether nice or ugly was brought into the light! I forgave myself and all those that had ever hurt me. Yes even those bullies. I had finally realized that life was great and that I was great. I was alive!! I am alive! I promised myself that day to never snooze again. I had found someone truly wonderful to always love. Myself.
I am happy to say we all get along. There are no hard feelings between my ex and I. His wife is lovely and adores my daughter now 21. We can all share a meal together. We can chat and laugh together. Life goes on.
When people say timing is everything, I feel that is not quite correct. Sometimes people enter our lives to help us grow and to teach us a lesson. They wake us up. No union is perfect but if the work is done on truly loving and knowing oneself then marriages have a chance at lasting a lifetime and being happy. I wasn’t ready the first time but I am now.
My advice to those contemplating getting married is make sure you truly love yourself first otherwise any comment can cause arguments. It will hurt your feelings eventually. Don’t laugh this off. You matter. Another person should not complete you. They should add to your life instead.