Matthew kept remembering that night when he invited her to his dorm just to talk some more after spending hours drinking and dancing at Myberi’s Bar. She had drunk two beers and was tired but she accepted. He had no intentions of doing anything with her but it all changed when they walked into the empty dorm. Mostly everyone had gone home. Suddenly the Viagra and the combination of drinks/drugs started kicking in. He could feel his body wanting to just go on automatic. His thoughts were now foggy and he was experiencing immense pain in his genitalia.
As they approached his dorm room he wanted to tell her to go home but he couldn’t find the words. He really liked Cindy but his bodily urges were winning out. The voice in his head that said slow down was becoming more faint. He wanted her so badly.
She had no clue as to what was going on in his head and in his body. She continued walking calmly beside him hand in hand. She said she liked him and loved that he was so respectful. He remained quiet as he quickly opened his dorm room door.
Looking back Matthew wished he could go back in time to that very night. He couldn’t and he was so full of regret. He would shower now and head to class.. Today was another day, He wondered if he would ever get over it. Would Cindy?
I want to go where the sun doesn’t shine.
I want to sleep the eternal sleep.
I want to be with you and the only way to be is in spirit.
The flesh is only a mere existence. I don’t merely want to be.
I want more than the substantial. I want to overwhelm you in mind and body.
The more I think about it the more the blackness of life calls my name.
Close thine eyes and open them once again. Only then will I be there taking over every movement of you. In every heartbeat I know my being will flow in that blood, in that heart of yours which is so impenetrable.
I want to die to live in you. I so desperately want to live.
I have been writing since age 9 and when I read some of my prior writings I get a bit shocked. Did I really write that? It was about my college crush. He really got deep into my skin and brain. My writing was creative yet dark. Funny thing is that he became my buddy. I met his family and we dated a bit. I am grateful for him and for the awesome poetry I wrote pining after him. Its funny now but back then I was a real nut. Perhaps I’m still a bit nutty but I love myself. I own it.
Thank you and I love you for reading. May this blog find you well. If you like any of my blogs feel free to comment, like and share. Let’s all spend love.
6 am and the alarm clock started beeping. Matthew shut it off and just sat on the edge of his bed. He stared at the ceiling and realized how much he had changed. His roommate had asked to be moved out because Matthew was no longer himself. He missed Ravi. It was always cool having someone to chat with. Ravi stopped talking to him and would pretend he didn’t know him when he saw him on the Quad. Matthew wondered if Cindy had told Ravi anything.
Thoughts of Cindy then flooded his brain. That night at the bar was so vivid now. He could still feel his heart fluttering as he remembered when he approached Cindy at the bar. She was always receptive to him which made him ecstatic. Something about her made him want to propose to her that night. She was the type of girl you married. She wasn’t like those girls you just had sex with and later dumped. She was different and she was special.
He recalled those 1.5 hours talking with her about various subjects and that burning desire he had had to kiss her. The Beastie Boys was playing on the jukebox and she wanted to dance. She sang out loud “You have to fight for your right to parrrrteeee!” He got up and jumped around with her. It was her favorite song. Song after song he danced with her until a slow song came on and she suddenly became sad. He then approached her slowly. He placed his right hand on her left shoulder and leaned in and kissed her gently on the lips. She smiled once again.
He felt a swell of great emotions in his being. He loved that he could make her happy. He liked her and she liked him. Perhaps she would become his girlfriend. Only time would tell.
He now put his hand to his lips and could still feel her lips on his. It was a special kiss he had shared that night with her during Freshman Year. He wanted to call her but he knew he couldn’t.
I am a paper that has seen its share of stories being written. Some ended shortly, some ended happy, and some sadly. But the worst kind of story ever written is the one that never was written. As a paper I wonder if the pen perhaps had no more ink left to write.
I am a paper white as can be. Is your pen able to write on me?
Namaste my pretty people. Thank you so much for reading my blog. I once was asked why I write. I write because I love writing and because it connects me with beautiful people in this world. We all have voices that need to be heard. We all have messages for this world that seems to be falling apart day by day. Our writing can help motivate, and cultivate a brighter tomorrow. Keep writing.
When Matthew went to the bar during that spring break he had taken some Viagra and a mixture of other drugs. He was on a high and spotted Cindy sitting by the bar. He had always liked her from Biology class. She was funny, corky and the way she flipped her hair around when she asked questions in class always turned him on a bit more everyday.
Cindy had hair that was chestnut-brown with a few streaks of blonde. He loved her wavy hair. When she walked into the classroom it was as if she were gliding. So many mornings he wished she would just glide on over to sit next to him but she never did. He had developed such a crush on her. He had spoken with her before but it was always related to the class. He would tell her jokes about the professor Mr. Weiner. It was easy to poke fun about his name alone. He recalled her laughter and now it made him cry.
His guilt kept consuming him daily. He felt horrible and thought perhaps he should just report himself. He never did because he aspired to do great things with his life. He couldn’t do them behind bars. He needed to finish school. He had to repress those memories even further down. It was becoming more difficult though and he felt he had no choice. He couldn’t even look at himself in the mirror anymore.
He would find solace in his sleep. A little bit of lorazepam would help with that. He was grateful he had been able to take some from his grandmother’s medicine cabinet.